Lessons from the Ocean

Currently sitting beachside as I write this. Doing so reminded me of just how powerful the ocean is and why I love it so much.

No matter where I am I always find myself back at the ocean every year.

One time, when I was in high school, I drove to the nearest ocean, (Three hours away) at 3 am. It was a choice I made on the spot and within five minutes or so, I was on my way.

I even left the state I call home, which is known for the snowy mountains and winter sports, to go chase the waves.

I came to the conclusion that I will always come back home and I will always go to the ocean. Sometimes when you are in the environment that was made for you to learn lessons from, you overlook them. Maybe if I lived near the ocean I wouldn’t have reflected and then had the space to learn these lessons, I wouldn’t appreciate it as much as I do now.

So here’s what I learned.

No matter what life will always keep coming at you, sometimes its caused by other people’s actions, sometimes its nature and you were meant to be hit with it, sometimes you create it. Waves work the same way. Some waves are caused by other people’s actions of driving their boats. Most times its nature such as wind and gravitational pull, etc. When a wave comes at you, you have a few choices. Embrace it, jump over it, dive under it and immerse yourself in it, or let it knock you down. Which are also the choices you have when life hits you wave after wave? You can prepare yourself for what’s to come, jump over the huddle as it comes, go headfirst into the problem and feel everything along the way, or the easiest (temporary easy) let it knock you the f out.

Now, this is the true test of your destiny. No matter the choice you make when a wave is coming your way, you have to commit. If you are going to jump it you have to do so with all of your strength or else you will get knocked down. Which is fine but you have to get back up and decide what your next move will be before another wave comes at you. When this happens you start to feel hopeless. The feeling of being held down by your own mind is a lot like being knocked down by a wave, then another one, and another. You feel as if you can’t find your footing, you just want a breath of air, and a moment to reflect on the past wave before you have to deal with the one that is coming at you right now.

But life doesn’t work like that, not if you don’t have access to the right resources to ride out the wave. Even then you will fall, you will get knocked out. This is where I like to say, “Fake it till you make it” I know you think you need downtime, to feel bad, but for some people that is what keeps you down.

I love looking out at the ocean and not seeing an end in sight, then realizing that you have no idea what is in the water, on the surface, and way below. Sometimes you don’t get to see what is happening in your path in all directions of your life. This is why it is important to look at it as it is the ocean. Think of the feelings you get at the beach when you feel the warmth on your skin and the sound of the waves and the gut feeling when you are in the water. Take these same feelings with you every day.

I could go on but I’ll stop here.

The First Time I had Goat Cheese

Eggs? I thought this was about goat cheese? Keep reading.

Sensory flashback: A psychological term, meaning if the person was in the moment—seeing, touching, hearing, smelling, tasting the actual event that has flashed back.


A few years ago I was casually seeing this guy named—we will call him Greg because he is more like a Greg than his actual name. Greg was a little older, definitely wiser, and liked things like goat cheese, witch hazel, and Kombucha.  We would sometimes go out to breakfast and he introduced me to a hidden breakfast place that I probably never would have known about, but this wasn’t the only thing he introduced me to that I still like and have even today. One day he made me an omelet, ahh yes this is where the eggs come into play. He made an omelet with yellow and green zucchini, onions, and Yup you guessed it goat cheese. Although he made it with a process in mind. I wasn’t fully paying attention to what he was saying but now I use the vague memory of how he made it to make this omelet all the time. In fact, I have made it twice now in the past week. You put the omelet in the pan and let it cook halfway, then you add the veggies/onions and fold the omelet in half to “let the zucchini get to the perfect tenderness” then you put in the chunks of goat cheese after the omelet is done and let it sit for the cheese to melt. I remember not fully liking the taste of this omelet but I soon began craving it. I learned to love goat cheese but I never found myself liking him. He has reached out to me a few times since I removed myself out of the situation but I never responded. He probably thinks I never think of him, but I do, whenever I have goat cheese.

It always amazes me how certain sensory flashbacks have zero feelings involved but can remind you of something you got out of that situation. Greg never truly fulfilled my soul but he did my stomach, so that has to count for something right?

Anyways, that was the first time I had goat cheese.

Self Destruction

Your soul can’t quite reach your mind so your body cries feeling tugged by the two.

Some People say they can pinpoint the exact moment they started to slip away. Going back to that self-destructive pit they swore they would never go back into. When it’s happening you feel your spine tying itself in knots and your happiness beating at you to snap out of it. It’s like your soul is watching your mind slip down into the self destruct. And your soul can’t quite reach your mind, so your body cries, feeling tugged by the two.

The dangerous part of being self-destructive is that after a while it feels like home. You almost forget that the empty sad feeling isn’t your primary state of being, because you made it your normal. This is when it gets hard to remember that you can unify your mind, body, and soul to be at peace just as quickly as you made feeling empty your normal.

Sometimes you want to bitch slap yourself and tell yourself to get over it, but trust me that slap is the quickest way to even more damage yourself and spiral deeper into that hole. You can’t just get over it because it’s not healthy to. You’ll start a bigger war inside yourself if you just get over it and act normal.

If you just put a band-aid over your wounds, you’ll have scars to look at after, if you don’t take the time to put ointment on it and oils for scaring you will create more damage in the long run. I’m not saying it’s healthy to stay in that self-destructive state but to heal yourself so you don’t feel the need to go back there.

When your self destructive sometimes your own intelligence scares you, you know exactly what to do or what to say to make a relationship situation or event go in the direction of self-destruction. If you haven’t noticed a theme in my thoughts it’s that I have taught myself to see the other side of things. Let your intelligence motivated you to figure out how you can do or say something to make that relationship, situation, or event go in a fulfilling direction, a happy one, a healthy one.

Yes, you do deserve it, and you know what, the people around you deserve it. You need to heal, grow, and love yourself because you are all you have and the people that are trying to help you see you for who you are and who you know you can be.

Phoenix Rising

There is something magical about seeing someone rise out of a situation of darkness, no matter if it was caused by fate or free will.

(I promise to donate a dollar to BSH every time I use the words fate/freewill.)    I actually need the money for coffee.

People ask me how I turned out the way I am.  I can sum it up to the list below:

  • I didn’t want to let my stereotypes define who I am, instead, I wanted to show people who I can be.
  • The best way to predict the future is to create it 
  • My future is something no one can take away from me unless I let them. 
  • Who I am is someone I can learn to control into the person I wished I could be
  • I have a lot of people to prove wrong. Including my younger self.
  • I want people to say, she is impressive. Not she is impressive for a foster kid, or because she is a woman, or that she is a woman of color.
  • “She made it”
  • “I made it”

I am strong because I didn’t have a choice not to be.

I am strong because I know what it feels like to be hopeless

I am strong because I never want to feel that way again.

I am strong because I once wasn’t.

I am happy because I no longer want to waste my life away being sad over something that only happened to about 5% of my lived days. I refuse to let the events in my life affect the rest of my life negatively. It will affect me, but in a way that motivates me.

I am healing because I chose to change the way I looked at life. I am ashamed because I let myself go this far without realizing it, It caused a lot of people to see me in a way that I am not proud of. I am healing for that little girl who didn’t think she would ever be anyone. I am healed because I can own up, speak up, and stand up to action.

BEING STRONG IS NOT ABOUT GETTING UP WHEN LIFE KNOCKS YOU DOWN, IT IS ABOUT GETTING UP KNOWING YOU WILL HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN, and again, and again.