Sensory flashback: A psychological term, meaning if the person was in the moment—seeing, touching, hearing, smelling, tasting the actual event that has flashed back.
A few years ago I was casually seeing this guy named—we will call him Greg because he is more like a Greg than his actual name. Greg was a little older, definitely wiser, and liked things like goat cheese, witch hazel, and Kombucha. We would sometimes go out to breakfast and he introduced me to a hidden breakfast place that I probably never would have known about, but this wasn’t the only thing he introduced me to that I still like and have even today. One day he made me an omelet, ahh yes this is where the eggs come into play. He made an omelet with yellow and green zucchini, onions, and Yup you guessed it goat cheese. Although he made it with a process in mind. I wasn’t fully paying attention to what he was saying but now I use the vague memory of how he made it to make this omelet all the time. In fact, I have made it twice now in the past week. You put the omelet in the pan and let it cook halfway, then you add the veggies/onions and fold the omelet in half to “let the zucchini get to the perfect tenderness” then you put in the chunks of goat cheese after the omelet is done and let it sit for the cheese to melt. I remember not fully liking the taste of this omelet but I soon began craving it. I learned to love goat cheese but I never found myself liking him. He has reached out to me a few times since I removed myself out of the situation but I never responded. He probably thinks I never think of him, but I do, whenever I have goat cheese.
It always amazes me how certain sensory flashbacks have zero feelings involved but can remind you of something you got out of that situation. Greg never truly fulfilled my soul but he did my stomach, so that has to count for something right?
Anyways, that was the first time I had goat cheese.
Your soul can’t quite reach your mind so your body cries feeling tugged by the two.
Some People say they can pinpoint the exact moment they started to slip away. Going back to that self-destructive pit they swore they would never go back into. When it’s happening you feel your spine tying itself in knots and your happiness beating at you to snap out of it. It’s like your soul is watching your mind slip down into the self destruct. And your soul can’t quite reach your mind, so your body cries, feeling tugged by the two.
The dangerous part of being self-destructive is that after a while it feels like home. You almost forget that the empty sad feeling isn’t your primary state of being, because you made it your normal. This is when it gets hard to remember that you can unify your mind, body, and soul to be at peace just as quickly as you made feeling empty your normal.
Sometimes you want to bitch slap yourself and tell yourself to get over it, but trust me that slap is the quickest way to even more damage yourself and spiral deeper into that hole. You can’t just get over it because it’s not healthy to. You’ll start a bigger war inside yourself if you just get over it and act normal.
If you just put a band-aid over your wounds, you’ll have scars to look at after, if you don’t take the time to put ointment on it and oils for scaring you will create more damage in the long run. I’m not saying it’s healthy to stay in that self-destructive state but to heal yourself so you don’t feel the need to go back there.
When your self destructive sometimes your own intelligence scares you, you know exactly what to do or what to say to make a relationship situation or event go in the direction of self-destruction. If you haven’t noticed a theme in my thoughts it’s that I have taught myself to see the other side of things. Let your intelligence motivated you to figure out how you can do or say something to make that relationship, situation, or event go in a fulfilling direction, a happy one, a healthy one.
Yes, you do deserve it, and you know what, the people around you deserve it. You need to heal, grow, and love yourself because you are all you have and the people that are trying to help you see you for who you are and who you know you can be.